The NAKED Marketing Company

This week’s prize for bullsh*t job description goes to…

“The primary focus of the Marketing Manager role is for initiating strategies and propositions and ensuring the implementation of marketing activities across all the areas within the healthcare division, with the overriding aim of assisting senior management to maximise the performance of the division and individual units, as well as increasing the activity levels and revenue within those units”

*How to translate the bullsh*t and spot the hidden traps in recruitment ads…

- Nigel Fitzhenry, Marketing, communications professional, York: Pretty bad but I’ve looked at a lot of adverts in recent weeks and months and there are many out there that are worse. I really like the telesales jobs dressed up as marketing jobs…

 

Announcing “Cavernous”

Our video/film making partners at Make Mine Media have started work on their second mini-epic in aid of charity.

The previous film for charity was called SAUR, and was told through the eyes of a film-maker taking pretty pictures in the woods when something large and scaly catches his eye.

The new film, Cavernous, has just started pre-production, Like SAUR, it’s going to be a purely non profit film with all proceeds going to charity. The story follows a family of 3 as they find something whilst exploring a cave.

 

Bite size business:

There’s no such thing as “overnight success”.

 

Lofty ideas

 

Opened the door to a knock from a young woman representing a government scheme to try and reduce the UK’s carbon footprint by offering free or cut price home insulation. Would I like her to check that my loft insulation complied with the latest requirements? So in she came and up to the landing we went so she could peer inside the loft with her torch and tape measure. First time I’ve taken a woman upstairs in a-g-e-s!

 

Utterly lost

Utterly lost on the Leicester ring road on my way to visit a new client for the first time, I discovered that all of Leicester’s outer suburbs look remarkably similar. Either that or I passed the same pub 3 times.

 

Tapping into know-how

Called out a plumber to fix a dripping boiler. He ended up having a “complete works” free consultation to help him grow his new business.

 

The secret life of rooms

Got a flyer through the door (must talk to the postman about using the letter box!) from a local builder offering special deals on conversions of “Occasional rooms”. If they’re occasional rooms, what are they the rest of the time? Do they lead secret double lives as sheds, or bungalows or garages…? Do they sneak out at night while I’m asleep to go to all-night raves with other rooms? Where do occasional rooms go if they meet another room and want to get passionate – you can hardly tell them to “get a room”.

  

Too far to travel?

Excited to receive a request for one of my free marketing & sales reviews/consultations. “Do you work with single entrepreneurs?” they asked. Yes, I often do, but to be honest, Colorado would be a bit of a commute for a consultation!

 

Swept away

The finest education money can buy, more letters after my name than in a Scrabble game and a sideboard of industry awards… and what am I doing? I’m sweeping a factory floor in preparation for a video shoot…

 

Driven to distraction

Collected my new car on Monday. Since then, I’ve immobilised it outside Halfords, couldn’t unlock the doors for the valeter and, my personal favourite – the full combo – managed to lock and trap myself inside with the immobiliser working, alarm shrieking, horn blaring and the lights flashing. So now I’m on the look for a new numberplate: ID 10T

 

Must be the way I tell ‘em!

Presented a guest lecture on market research to a group of BTEC business studies college students. Bright kids, receptive, attentive and engaged. 

 

I’d forget my own head if it was loose…

Walked to Tesco for some milk. Halfway down the aisle when I realised I’d forgotten my wallet. Walked back. Got in just in time to take a phone call. Walked back to Tesco. At the checkout I realised I’d come out without my wallet AGAIN!  Aargh! Should be receiving my DumbAss Certificate any day now…